The Power of Mindful Sex | Diana Richardson | TEDxLinz

The Power of Mindful Sex | Diana Richardson | TEDxLinz


Translator: anveshi d. botschen
Reviewer: Amanda Chu Sex as we know it
is very much influenced by the mind. As humans, we can choose to have sex, unlike our animal friends. They never think about it – it’s happening when it’s happening,
and it’s not when it’s not – whereas we can choose
when to have it and how to have it. Sex brings joy, excitement,
the possibility of love and connection. It also brings sadness, unhappiness,
disappointment, trauma. There’s premature ejaculation,
erection difficulties, performance stress. There’s loss of interest, lack of orgasm,
physical pain during sex. And as you know, couples often separate because of sex. Fact is we think the climax
is the reason to have sex. It’s what we want; it’s what we expect. So our minds have become imprinted
with a certain program or agenda that makes us climax
or goal oriented in sex. This goal brings stress and tension, for example, having to deliver a good performance, making your partner happy, or pleasing the partner, getting it right, or having to have an orgasm, or having to hold one off
for as long as possible. And when things don’t go
according to plan or wishes, then possible outcomes are: we become half-hearted with each other
in relating and intimacy, or we give up, we stop trying, or we look for another partner, hoping things will work out better. Well, I am here to share with you that these problems
are not inherent to sex. The problem is not sex itself, the problem lies
with the style of having it. Our common style is “mind-filled” sex. I say “mind-filled” because
we’re always thinking about it, even when we’re having it. We’re concerned about the climax, we’re monitoring our own performance, we’re wondering how the partner is doing, and so on. And if we believe and think
that the climax is the reason to have sex, then of course, it has to be hot, intense,
building up excitement and sensation. But there is another style of sex,
called “mind-full” sex. Mindfulness is a modern word. Very popular. Its real meaning is awareness,
to be in the awareness, using the mind, yes,
but using it to direct the attention to be centered, aware
and present in the body; you are not lost in thought. And in mindful sex, we bring that same quality of awareness,
like a meditation, into the exchange. Attention is directed inside the body, and your whole body
is used as a sensing organ. It’s more like you are being sex
rather than doing sex. And just as in meditation, as many of you know
from your own personal experience, aware in the here and now – no goals. Let me repeat that: In mindful sex, there are
no goals, even climax. Of course, it’s an option, it’s a choice,
but it can happen after 2-3 hours, if you wish. But it’s not something that you work for, rather, you relax, take it easy. Imagine for a moment that you decide
to spend a day in the nature. Imagine it’s a beautiful day –
warm, clear skies. And at a certain point,
you need to make a choice. Do you follow your
favorite trail up the mountain? Or do you stay in the valley? As much as you love going up the mountain, on this day you decide
to stay in the valley, and you take a slow walk, explore the forest, relax by the river, and you spend that day
with no particular goals in mind, and without the strain and the effort
of reaching to the peaks and the tiredness that follows. What I’m saying is to make a conscious decision
to stay in the valleys and not always searching for the peaks. Well, this does sound different, right? And yes, mindful sex does require
that we open our minds about sex. And … are you open minded? Open to explore? 30 years ago, I thought I was open minded. I’d lived through the seventies – sexual freedom; I thought my sex life was great. But then I realized
I was going around in circles, from falling in love
to falling out of love, over and over again. I had this growing sense
that there had to be more to sex. And, at that time, I was living in India, and that’s where I ran
into this other style of sex: “mind-full” sex, or sex with awareness. So, I spent the next five years
pretty solidly researching, and I was not – yes, you got it – I was not in libraries reading books,
I was researching in bed. (Laughter) And, you know, mindful sex is definitely nothing new. It’s been there for millennia. Bringing sex together with awareness, as a meditation,
as a spiritual experience, is one of the aspects of tantra, an ancient body of knowledge from india. When I started out,
I was curious – that was all – or some may say adventurous. Again and again, I put this ancient teaching into practice, and gradually, my whole experience
and view of sex was revolutionized. After a while, friends started coming to me
with questions, and that led to me teaching,
and then I began to write books about it, and I’ve been involved in this way
for 25 years now. Usually, when I talk about this subject,
I have a lot of time to go into detail – several days in a seminar
or the length of a book – but, here, today, in this situation,
it’s going to be a quickie. (Laughter) By now, you are probably asking yourself,
Well, what does mindful sex look like? And it’s easiest to describe
by highlighting some contrasts because when we bring mindfulness in, certain shifts and changes
begin to happen, for example, from early ejaculation
to lasting much, much longer, even hours, from physical pain to physical pleasure, from performance pressure, stress
to relaxing, taking it easy, from disconnection and sadness to feeling bonding
with your partner, happy, from loss of interest or avoidance of sex to interest, willingness,
longing returning, from feeling used or seeing sex as duty to feeling valued and appreciated. So those shifts sound well and good,
but actually, how do we do it? The good, big question. Firstly, I want to say
that my own experience is male-female, and I have worked with thousands
of such couples over the years. However, I have also worked
with other couple combinations, and I can say with all confidence that awareness will increase the rapport, intimacy
and love bond with any couple, independently of sexual orientation
or gender identity. Naturally, some of the male-female
details won’t apply, but principles
can be adapted and explored. Having said that,
here’s nine basic principles: The first – very practical –
you make a date; you set aside two, three hours
or more undisturbed time. This works very well for women because the female body
warms up and opens up to sex much more slowly than the male body. When the female body is open and ready, this will completely raise
the quality of the exchange for both. For men, having a date is very helpful because men are often walking around wondering when they will next
be able to have sex again – for sure. And if he knows it’s going to happen
tomorrow night – or tonight – then he is much more relaxed,
present, centered with himself and with you. The next prinicple is the most important, and that is … if you get this one,
then everything else just flows. Your intention is to be
as aware and present as possible, and you take it moment by moment. The next, again and again,
you scan your body – relax it, relax tensions; you check your jaw, shoulders, belly,
genitals, buttocks, anus; and you do that repeatedly. The next is you breathe deep –
instead of breathing shallow – you breathe deep and slow
into the belly, into the genitals. The next, instead of entering the body
fast and forcefully, you enter very consciously and open the canal
millimeter by millimeter, and you use lubrication
to ease that entry. The next, instead of mechanical, back-and-forth
friction type movements, each movement is done with awareness, and that naturally creates slowness, and that increases your sensitivity. Instead of building up
and building up excitement, you relax into it – a little excitement and then relax, a little excitement and then relax. Instead of eyes closed
and being involved in thought or fantasy, your eyes are open,
you’re present, you’re here, you have eye contact if you wish, and at any time, you can share in words
what you feel and experience in your body. And the last, have a sense of humor because, really, funny things do happen, and we all know it’s so healthy and good
to have a good laugh. But you laugh at yourself
and not your partner, please. (Laughter) In summary, mindful sex is about staying
in the cooler zones and not getting too hot and excited. Sex is like fire: you add wood too quickly,
let it burn bright, it will create beautiful blazing flames, but very soon, that fire will die down, whereas if you add the wood
piece by piece by piece by piece and keep the flame low, then that same fire
will last the whole night through. I’m not saying that you have
to forego mind-filled sex but just to be aware that problems
are created through that style. So try to open your mind
and give yourself other options. Have mind-filled sex when you want – rush, a quick high – have mindful sex when you want to nurture
the love and the connection between you. In my learning path, how I felt afterwards
was the most important, the greatest teacher – not immediately after
but in the days following too. So next time, afterwards, have a look. Allow yourself to look and feel what that style is doing to you
on a deeper level. For example, the climax might have been great, but afterwards you feel
a bit tired or disconnected or sad, maybe irritable or aggressive, whereas if you stay in the cooler style, you might notice you feel
refreshed, energized, uplifted and more in love with your partner. Now … the most important thing I ask you
is: Don’t believe me. (Laughter) Try it for yourself,
and prove it to yourself. It’s a doorway so close to home
it’s easy to pass it by or overlook it. But just around the corner – just a turn – and a whole new universe opens up. 30 years ago, I could never have imagined that changing the way I made love would mean that I spend
the rest of my days talking about sex, especially in a forum such as this one. So I am here, without goal or agenda, to share with you a life-changing truth: that awareness in sex creates love, generates love
and nurtures connection. I dream of a world where we don’t only fall in love
and then fall out of love, but where we rise in love, together. Let us begin the true sexual revolution and create a new experience for humanity. A world where couples live in harmony, where sex improves
the longer you are together, where sex brings healing,
connection, confidence, clarity, where sex invites love and peace on earth. Ladies and gentlemen, I wish you a courageous heart
and a spirit of adventure! Thank you! (Applause) (Cheers)

100 thoughts on “The Power of Mindful Sex | Diana Richardson | TEDxLinz

  1. यहाँ(भारत ) और भी बहुत कुछ है सीखने के लिये।

  2. I laughed hysterically on "3-4 hours undisturbed time". Then I cried (i didn't, because dads don't cry or have emotions or feel discomfort or pain).

  3. I like the timing of encountering this video. really, thinking of my own journey, I've seen we've all been needing these ideas for a long time.

  4. Sadly, most people are even less aware than (what many perceive that) animals are, because it requires a certain level of awareness (which, most lack) to have the desire to seek more [awareness].

  5. Diana Richardson's work is revolutionary if you take the time to experience it. Like she says 'don't believe me' try it… 'awareness generates love and nurtures connection.'

  6. The sad part is most people do not have time for all this. From children to lost erections a lot of people are lucky to get in, get out, and get anything from it

  7. I see the Ted talks have become overrun with plebs looking for self-help videos for dummies. I suspect the concept of mindfulness is foreign to the average person meaning this talk went over a lot of heads, that's if they even bothered to listen to its entirety. Great talk.

  8. 85% to climax and back to embracing. This approach usually works for those over 35 due to biology. You are all great at the style at your age. As she says don’t believe her. Believe your own style and results by intending with ❤️!

  9. Along with my wife of 25 years, I recently spent a week with Diana and her husband Michael in learning ways to bring increased presence and, it we're lucky, joy to our relationship. Blessed by and grateful for the experience and we look forward to returning for more. Thank you and keep up the great work, Diana!

  10. i dont see these people as authorities i see them as giving opinions now opinions are like arseholes everyone has one

  11. Nothing new here. Jumping on the Mindfulness bandwagon….another western appropriation. Read the Kamasutra. It's all there.

  12. The timing of this video for my personal life, and the soul positive outcome that could come from it, is very interesting. They say that timing IS everything, lol

  13. Encore un ps: les trois quarts des commentaires de célia sur mes relations qui se sont avérés vrais: c'est probablement parce que c'est moi qui le lui ait dit. J'arrête mtn.

  14. Tantra is our indian knoweledge. When OSHO talked about this amerika thown him out. western people always come to india for seek peace

  15. I really liked the suggestions in this video, and think that lots of people would benefit from this. However, I didn't like the gender stereotypes of the man being always ready to go and the woman needing to warm up. It can definitely be the other way around! Overall, awesome Ted Talk.

  16. Thank you Diana, attending to the love-making retreat was heaven for My beloved and Myself …This is what came up to me during the retreat : I can imagine that love making in presence is one of the reasons why I chose to incarnate … Thank you so much for offering this to us and humanity through the great 'work' you do !

  17. This is the ultimate way to make love and connect with your partner. It’s a mind, body and soul connection that is incredibly intense and deeply intimate. I highly recommend it. 😉

  18. Its not that always a man Thinks into a female ……i di not say physical attraction is not necessary……it forms 100% in a 25% portfolio about a person.
    If we divide any HUMAN(male/female) into 4 parts of identification as a suitable emotional Attachment…….

    25+25+25+25=100% Human Brain

  19. My beeee is 100% fullfilling for me…..do not worry. She knows me too closely then your wild imaginations also……. find your own honey defects in your life.

    Not mine……i am capable of re-training any female completely into a new Advance form to live & think about life……far away from just mayerialistic thoughts about life as a success …….

  20. Extra ordinary observation into human life…..in depth analysis of human life and its emotional content……each word seems to be coming out of god's mouth eternally…….India has Ajanta & Alora times of indepth human thinking about meaning of takeing birth and learning the secret blessings of universal existence of happiness in human life thru another person presence in self life……..

    That level of thought do not exist in 90%population in India anymore….. we do not have thought process beyond our capebilities to understand self as a human and being alive as a human before we die death……

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